I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
