if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Do you remember whose house we're in?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
