I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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