the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
