I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
