Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Randomize
