Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
