first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Drunk is not a location!
Randomize
