he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
