Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
