Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I don't think brook has ever known best
I think I have vodka in my lungs
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
