Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
