dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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