I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
