Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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