why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
