What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
