I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Everything about him screamed your future.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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