So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
