Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Sorry my hands just texted you
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize