She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
