Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
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It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
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