I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
