Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Send help, water and tortillas.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
