90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
