My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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