You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
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