Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
