I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
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