btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
