What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
