My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
