I got chris browned last night
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
