You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
