I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
