We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
