I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
