Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
