I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
