Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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