If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.