My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf