I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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