I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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