I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
