I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
