can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
