Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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