I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
