I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
