i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
