I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
worst night to have a conscience
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
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