He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
