Betty ford says i'm here all night
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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