You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
