Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
