Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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