He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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